THIRTY IS THE NEW SEXY

RIGHT TO BEAR HANDS
Last Thursday, The Supreme Court ruled in a 5-4 decision that Americans have a right to own guns, rejecting a 32-year-old ban on handguns in the District of Columbia. This is an historic ruling. It is the first time the high court has issued a pronouncement on gun rights. It has often been debated what exactly was meant by the phrase, “the people may keep and bear arms”; until now. Reaction to the ruling was mixed. Reaction broke less along party lines than along the split between cities wracked with daily gun violence and rural areas where gun ownership is a part of daily life. Presidential candidate John McCain welcomed the ruling as "a landmark victory for Second Amendment freedom." I guess he’ll finally feel safe accepting that hunting invite from Dick Cheney now that he knows he can defend himself. It’s reassuring to know that if he’s elected President he can take office while ushering in a new era of welcomed hand gun ownership. Thank you second amendment! Leave it to a supreme court with a heavy Dubya influence to be the first to interpret an amendment that has remained ambiguous since it was ratified in 1791. Charlton Heston would have been very proud of you jerk-offs. The second amendment reads: "A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed." The issue for the justices was always, is the second amendment protection of an individual's right to own guns somehow tied to service in a state militia (a once-vital, but now-archaic grouping of citizens) or does it protects all citizens? This debate has gone on for decades.
This is just great! American homes don’t need better forms of energy (and energy saving products). They don’t need more books, more food on the table, heat, water, electricity, stability, smoke detectors, or fixing up. This is America though and they sure as hell need hand guns. Oh please. Guns don’t make situations better. They are one of those things I wish as a whole could be un-invented. This would be a much better world without them. Resident Bush weighed in on the ruling and had this to say, "I applaud the Supreme Court's historic decision today confirming what has always been clear in the Constitution: the Second Amendment protects an individual right to keep and bear firearms." Right George, it’s always been so clear what the second amendment meant. When asked what the 2nd amendment was, Bush probably held up two fingers and replied, “The one that’s this many!” If nothing else he’s certainly spent the last eight years showing everyone how much he respects the constitution (cough, cough…Patriot Act). I guess he’ll be adding this directly under the Iraq War on his “mission accomplished” check list.
The full implications of the decision, however, will not immediately be seen. For example, to what extent will the right to have a gun for protection in the home extend outside the home? Personally I don’t see any good coming of this decision and urge local and state officials to make provisions where they still can. D.C. Mayor Adrian Fenty responded with a plan to require residents to register their handguns. "More handguns in the District of Columbia will only lead to more handgun violence," he said. First 9/11 happens and everyone gets scared. Then the economy goes to hell and people go broke and lose their jobs and homes. Finally, gas prices spike and everyone gets angry. Now is a great time to let everyone run right out and buy a gun. After this decision I have to ask, how supremely stupid is the Supreme Court?

H.O. HOES (HIGH OCTANE WHORES)
High gas prices are affecting everything, even the world’s oldest profession. Nevada brothels that cater to long-haul truckers are offering gas cards and other promotions after seeing business decline as much as 25 percent from a year ago, industry officials said. President of the N.B.O.A. (Nevada Brothel Owners' Association), Geoffrey Arnold, said truckers account for up to 75 percent of business at the state's rural brothels along Interstate 80 and U.S. Highway 95. Right now these truckers need more money to fill the gas tank, and that leaves less money to fill Nevada prostitutes with their out-of-state loads. "Anything that has to do with discretionary income is down," said Bobbi Davis owner of Shady Lady Ranch. "Instead of spending $500 out here, they might only spend $300. I see it every time they raise gas prices." High gas prices might be leaving truckers with less disposable income, but it’s also leaving them with a wider range of women to select from when it comes to spending those hard earned dollars in a brothel. Not only are most brothels forced to offer deals to truckers to combat the rising fuel costs, but more women are seeking jobs as legal prostitutes as business for escort services and strip clubs goes flat. You hear that fellas (at those of you who pay for sex)? Greater selection, more “bang” for your buck…if there was ever time to load up your hybrid vehicle with a few friends and car-pool out to Nevada, this is it; take advantage of the woes of long-road truckers and prostitutes and cum to, in, and on Nevada.

WHO’S GONNA KILL YOUR WILD HORSES?
Ranchers in Reno, NV and animal rights activists are clashing over a federal proposal to euthanize wild horses as a way to deal with their surplus numbers. Federal officials say they're faced with tough choices because wild horses have overpopulated public lands in the West and they no longer can afford to care for the number of animals that have been rounded up. The agency responsible for dealing with the matter (U.S. Bureau of Land Management) has set a target appropriate management level of horses at 27,000. About another 30,000 horses are in holding facilities, where most are made available for adoption. Currently the number of horses in 10 western states sits at around 33,000 (half of which reside in Nevada). I guess many states (and countries) do the same thing with less fanfare. Pennsylvania has hunting season every year to help control the over-population of deer within the state. Canada even allows people to trap Beavers, the animal that serves as the country’s symbol! With horses it just seems different. Maybe it’s because we see domesticated horses more often than wild ones and so that is the image that first strikes us when thinking of horses. I’m going to go out on a limb here and offer one solution to two problems. Why doesn’t Nevada spend some money on programs that train wild horses to haul 18-wheelers? You hook enough wild horses up and they can haul anything! I know this might not be the best life for them but it’s better than killing them. It would also cut down on the cost of gas and leave more money for truckers to spend on prostitutes! While the truckers are being “serviced”, the horses could be treated to a nice rest, plenty of water, some food, and the lucky ones might even wind up being brought into the brothel to perform in one of those horse sex-shows (where the prostitute either performs oral sex on, or has sex with, a horse). Look at all the people that could gain from this. Sure, animal rights activists will still bitch and moan, but they are going to do that regardless. At least the horses will be fed something other than poison. Imagine the possibilities of Nevada’s newest business: “Horse & Whores”. It would certainly be an interesting business proposal (and would give a whole new meaning to) the world famous "Mustang Ranch".

SEE BILL CLINTON GET DOUBLE TEAMED BY TWO WOMEN
And this time, it’s profitable. Gennifer Flowers and Paula Jones, the two women who gained notoriety for having affairs with former President Bill Clinton, are offering Internet viewers the lurid details of the encounters they claim they had Bubba (as well as thoughts on Hilary and other things) for a small fee of $1.99 per story.
During the 1992 presidential race, Flowers claimed to have had a 12-year affair with then-candidate and Arkansas Gov. Bill Clinton. Clinton initially denied the allegation, but later, during his deposition in the Paula Jones sexual harassment case, acknowledged a single sexual encounter with Flowers. Wow. Personally, if there’s one thing I want to spend my hard earned money on, it’s reading tales of Bill Clinton’s sexual flings with far less than attractive women. Come on Bill! You were Governor and then President for Christ’s sake. If you were going to stray from your wife don’t you think you could have held out for women that were slightly more attractive? Flowers, Jones, and Lewinsky don’t exactly cry, “I’m the leader of the most powerful nation in the world”. Even when you were Governor I’m sure you could have rounded up some better looking tail. I’m not even a blip on the politics’ radar and I still pull in much better looking women. What was your motive here? I guess having affairs with women less attractive than you wife makes her look better, but I don’t think you’ve had sex with Hilary more recently than the encounter that produced Chelsea. People will say it’s disgusting that Flowers and Jones are now seeking to profit off of their fifteen minutes of fame but can anyone really blame them? Monica will always be most famous for a blow job that she gave and those two are only trailing her by a stained dress or two. Everyone knows the old saying, “If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all”. Let’s apply that same logic to the Presidential penis. If you’re President and you don’t have anything attractive to stick it in, please, don’t stick it in anything at all.

JESUS! THOSE SOUTH CAROLINIANS SURE ARE COCKS
Unless a federal court intervenes, South Carolina drivers may soon be able to profess their Christian faith with a state-issued license plate.
The state plans to issue plates (based on a design by the state of Florida that was already rejected) featuring a Christian cross and the words "I Believe," but a group advocating the separation of church and state says that goes too far. While individuals can ask the DMV to print plates for other faiths (for a $4,000 fee) the request would be subject to significant limits and rules not imposed for the Christian plate. Other tags could feature a religious symbol (such as the Star of David) but no words would be allowed. This clearly shows that the state would be playing favorites with Christians. Why not the Star of David with the words, “I believe”? Obviously the (game) cocks running the legislature down there don’t see how people could believe in anything other than Jesus. Of course this comes from the last state to fly the Confederate Flag from their state house. Maybe they’d like to offer a plate with black slaves on it and the word “Racist” prominently displayed. How about a plate with two men holding hands and the words, “Going to Hell, and proud of it”? "I think it allows people of faith to profess that they believe in a higher calling, they believe in God," said Lt. Gov. Andre Bauer.
Bauer has graciously offered to personally pay the $4,000 deposit required for the Department of Motor Vehicles to begin producing the plates. How blatant do you like your favoritism Mr. Bauer? Bauer said allowing Christians to have a specialty license plate is freedom of speech. He said those who oppose are prejudiced against Christians. This seems to come from the same vein that Bush uses when saying that those who are against the war are unpatriotic. This country has separation of church and state laws for just this reason. People who oppose the Christian plates aren’t anti-Christian, they are pro-constitution. If South Carolina was willing to offer equal plates to residents of any religion (including Atheists and Agnostics) than it would be a different story. The action is being fought by Americans United for Separation of Church and State, which includes Christian, Jewish and Hindu clergy. I think the best way to sum up my view on this issue is by quoting a bumper sticker I saw on a recent road trip with my father. “God, save us from your believers”.

FRIENDS LIKE THESE
The White House is up to shenanigans again. This time it’s Italy’s head honcho left with bruised feelings and cast yet another mark on Dubya’s embarrassing track record with foreign leaders. This time it wasn’t an inappropriate back-rub he delivered but rather what the White House called, an "unfortunate mistake". The mistake happened to be the distribution of a less-than-flattering biography of Italian Premier Silvio Berlusconi at the Group of Eight summit. Oops; our bad. The summary of Berlusconi was buried in a nearly inch-thick tome of background that the White House distributed at the summit of major economic powers. The press kit was handed out to the White House traveling press corps. Having paid close attention to the current administration over the last eight years I’m sure whatever it said wasn’t too bad. Sheah, right…and monkeys might fly out of my butt.
The biography described Berlusconi as one of the "most controversial leaders in the history of a country known for government corruption and vice." I’m sure Berlusconi hasn’t gone out of his way to say nice things about our president though, right? Last month Berlusconi welcomed U.S. President George W. Bush to Rome, calling him "a personal friend of mine and also a great friend of Italy." To which Bush responded: "You're right. We're good friends." It could be worse. If Berlusconi were a friend of Cheney’s, he probably would have been shot in the face instead. The biography, written by Encyclopedia of World Biography, said Berlusconi burst onto the political scene with no experience and used his "vast network of media holdings" to finance his campaign on a promise to "purge the notoriously lackadaisical Italian government of corruption." And as we all know, political candidates always keep their campaign promises. The biography went on to say that Berlusconi was appointed to the prime minister's office in 1994, "however, he and his fellow Forza Italia Party leaders soon found themselves accused of the very corruption he had vowed to eradicate." No…politicians wouldn’t lie to me. That would be like Fox News reporting GOP propaganda instead of newsworthy stories. Sigh. In a written apology, White House spokesman Tony Fratto said the biography used insulting language.
"The sentiments expressed in the biography do not represent the views of President Bush, the American government, or the American people," he said. "We apologize to Italy and to the prime minister for this very unfortunate mistake."
The prime minister responded by telling Bush to go fuck himself. He then promptly apologized for his very unfortunate mistake in choosing to respond so vulgarly.
Seriously, sometimes I feel like the White House must have an employee or two that just work around the clock to make this administration look a bunch of pea-brained idiots. In addition to Dubya actually being a pea-brained idiot, this is not a good combination. Nobody thought to, I don’t know, read through one of the packets before they were distributed at the G-8 summit? But who has time for proof reading these days? Bush called it the biggest Italian tragedy since, on top of Old Smokey, all covered with cheese, he lost he poor meatball, when somebody sneezed.

REFLECTIONS ON TURNING THIRTY
I was born thirty years ago. 1978. I can hardly believe it. I have gained a lot of experience over the past few decades but still have so much to learn. Learning never ends. I used to view thirty as the end of my life. Once you hit thirty you’re old; your youth is long since over. Now, as I sit here on the threshold of the end of my twenties, I can’t help but think that thirty isn’t the end, it’s a new beginning. So many opportunities have been presented to me in recent months. My life is taking turns I never could have imagined. So, as one chapter of my life ends and a new one begins I hope you will all stick around and enjoy the ups and downs with me here at the Spoon, Full of Truth.

YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL
Yes I’m talking to you. You’re beautiful to me. Thanks for taking time to read the Spoon today. If you have another minute of free time, why not forward it to a friend (or everyone you know)? I’d like to wish belated, current, and future Happy Birthdays to Amy, Beth, Diana, Linda, Gena, Phil, and Mona. My birthday is this Monday. Feel free to leave a comment (by clicking on the comment tab directly at the bottom of this current post. I have been selected as a finalized in Philly's Phunniest Person contest and will be performing original material on stage sometime in August at Helium Comedy Club. As soon as I have a date and time nailed down (I'll get it on the 15th of July) I will pass it on to you. I hope those of you in the area will be able to attend and cheer me on to victory! I hope you enjoyed feeding your brain with another Spoon, Full of Truth. Until next time…