HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

HOLIDAY VACATION--The Spoon, Full of Truth is on vacation for the holidays. I am off to Canada to spend some time with my wife and in-laws. If you're in serious need of some truth before the new year, please take this time to go back and read some old posts from the archives. You might find a hidden gem in there that you missed before. The Spoon, Full of Truth archives: the gift that keeps on giving. There are also a few new reviews in the reviews section (located by the archives). I would also like to send a special thank you to my uncle Michael Miller for finally awarding me with the "WORLD'S GREATEST GRILLED CHEESE MAKER" trophy that I have deserved for so long. I take my title very seriously and will display my trophy for all to see. Happy Holiday wishes to all. I hope you're all able to take some time to relax and celebrate. Check back soon, to get more truth, straight from the Spoon!

WRAP IT UP

WRAP IT UP THIS HOLIDAY SEASON
I am the world’s worst gift wrapper. As I spent almost an hour trying to wrap presents Tuesday night (ripping the paper, losing the tape, cutting the wrong size piece and not realizing it until the final fold) I started to wish there was just a product you could spray onto the gift that would form a dry coating that and then could be peeled off. This would make my life much easier. While this technology might not be available for Christmas gifts, it will soon be ready for penises. Unlike with holiday presents, wrapping up your penis can prevent the transfer of unwanted gifts (babies, HIV, and the gift that keeps on giving, herpes). By 2008 a German company will begin selling the world’s first spray on condom. The idea is simple, you stick your penis into the little device and it sprays on a condom layer that fits perfectly. How durable will this protection layer be? How long will it last? How do you remove it? All good questions. None of this information is available, yet. It also isn’t clear how small the device will be. Personally, I’m not sure how I feel about sticking my penis into a device that’s going to spray some coating onto it. I know there are some guys out there who would stick their penis into just about anything (or sadly, anyone) but I feel like I have to take a stand here. Being a married man I don’t have much use for condoms anyway, maybe I would feel differently if I did. This device seems like it would offer a much more snuggly fitting condom and as our male friends in India can attest to, when it comes to condoms, one size does not fit all.

CONDOM-NATION: SPORTING A LITTLE BOLLYWOOD
A recent survey of more than 1,000 men in India has concluded that condoms made according to international sizes are too large for a majority of Indian men. This study went further than just polling a group of men about their penis size. Scientists, always willing to go the extra step, broke out the rulers on this one. Volunteers (about 1200) had their penises measured precisely, down to the last millimeter. The scientists even checked to make sure that their sample was representative of India as a whole (in terms of class, religion and urban and rural dwellers). The results? About 60% of Indian men have penises which are between three and five centimeters shorter than international standards used in condom manufacture. Ring, ring! India the phone’s for you, Asia is calling, they want their stereotype back. India already has the highest number of HIV infections (of any nation) and the oversized condoms either fall off or tear a staggering one out of five times. This has led doctors to call for the production of custom made condoms, in several different sizes. Many men would be too anxious to enter a store and request a smaller sized condom. It seems like India might be the perfect fit for the new spray-on rubber.

THINK OUTSIDE THE BUN: QUOTE OF THE WEEK
“Nothing is more important to us than the health of our customers” –A Taco Bell official on the handling of the recent E. Coli outbreak at their chain of fast-food restaurants. Offering a one pound burrito for 99 cents just screams health doesn’t it? And all that grade-F beef, cheese, and sour cream must be good for you, right? If nothing is more important to Taco Bell than the health of their customers, I’d hate to see how they treat things that aren’t priorities. E. Coli? No thanks. Make a run for the burger.

DID DUBYA CALL IN A FAVOR FROM HIS HOMEBOY JESUS?
Just when it looked like the Democrats were going to take control of the Senate next month, Democratic Sen. Tim Johnson (SD) remains in critical condition today after late-night brain surgery. Senator Johnson became disoriented during a call with reporters Wednesday night, stuttering in response to a question. He was hospitalized and underwent brain surgery for stroke-like symptoms (or as the GOP is most likely calling it, stroke-of-good-luck symptoms). Aside from the obvious health concerns for Senator Johnson, there is a much greater concern. If he were forced to relinquish his seat, a replacement would be named by South Dakota's GOP Gov. Mike Rounds. South Dakota Secretary of State Chris Nelson said there were no special restrictions on an appointment by the governor and a replacement would not have to be from the same political party. That would swing the balance of power to 50-50 (the Democrats now hold a 51-49 lead) and allow the GOP to retain senate control. This doesn’t sit right with me. You would think that the governor would either have to name a replacement from the same party or that a new election would be held. I’m not sure why neither of those options would be used. This will be a very interesting situation to keep our eyes on in the coming days and weeks. My suggestion? If you live in a state with a Republican senator and a Democratic governor (like my home state of PA) mail your senator some Taco Bell gift certificates. Who knows, he could get hungry, wolf down some green onions, and within no time your governor could be appointing a Democrat to replace him. If Senator Johnson takes a turn for the worse (and let’s all pray that doesn’t happen) and the GOP does retain control of the Senate, we all might have to literally make a run for the border (hooray Canada).

THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS
We spend Christmas in Canada with my in-laws. It’s a wonderful way to spend the holiday. They really go all out for old Saint Nick. There’s a beautiful tree, Christmas morning mimosas, and stockings so big that they stand two feet off the ground and still overflow with goodies. Because it doesn’t make much sense for the wife and me to schlep all of our gifts (for each other) all the way to Canada, just to unwrap them and bring them home, we decided to unwrap them all here for Hanukkah. This way, not only do I get to experience the joy of Christmas (commercial Christmas anyway) but Julia gets to experience the eight nights of Hanukkah. It’s the best of both worlds, eight nights of presents followed by a pile of gifts on the 25th. It also means that we can start unwrapping the pile of gifts under our tree tomorrow night (yes we have both a Christmas tree and a Menorah)! The last few years we’ve combined the celebration into Christmukkah. This year, we’ll get to celebrate them both separately, Hanukkah here with my family, and Christmas in Canada with hers. No matter what holiday you’re celebrating this season, I hope it’s wonderful and filled with joy. Happy holidays! If you're in need of some gift ideas for that creative person in your life, check out: www.mycmsite.com/juliajmiller

TAKE HIM AWAY BOYS
That’s all the truth I think you can handle for today. I know you’re thinking that you’re ready for more but who really knows what’s best for you, you or me? I would like to thank everyone for all of the well wishes and kudos on the anniversary of the Spoon. It wouldn’t have made it this far without you, and it couldn’t continue to grow and flourish without all of you readers and your willingness to share this site with others. I thank you.
Check back soon, to get more truth, straight from the Spoon!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SPOON: ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY EDITION

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO TRUTH
Like a fine wine, the truth only gets better with age. Today the Spoon, Full of Truth celebrates its first birthday. While there may not be cake (unless one of you is in a baking mood) or ice cream, or even little party hats, I do have to say there is a wonderful sense of accomplishment. When I started this site a year ago today I never intended for it to last this long. I started out with about ten readers but they were loyal, they shared my site, and the number of Spoon readers has grown and grown (and continues to do so, much to my delight). A lot has happened in the past year, some good, and some bad. Through the Spoon, I have been able to share my sorrows and my joys, as well as my humor and my outlook on our country’s politics and the world in general. I hope you have all enjoyed reading my writing as much as I have enjoyed sharing it with you and I look forward to starting a new year together. When it comes to the truth, if I feed it, you should eat it. Bon Appetite.

RANDOM THOUGHTS
*It’s impossible to look cool while drinking out of a straw. If you don’t believe me, grab a drink, a straw, and a mirror, and find out for yourself.
*It takes 827 licks to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop (hey, what do you want from me? I was a fat kid with a lot of time on my hands).
*You know those Gatorade ads where the athletes sweat in bright neon colors? Then their slogan flashes, “Gatorade. Is it in you?” If it’s going to make my sweat bright blue or purple, I don’t want it in me.
*I’ve saved about $450 in haircuts since I started cutting my own hair. I’ve also gotten many more compliments on the faux-hawk than I did on other haircuts.
*Nothing beats a Bud? In what competition, worst beer imaginable?
*It’s been said that guys who drive big expensive, flashy cars are over compensating for a small penis. Not only do I not have any car at all, I don’t even have a bike. I walk everywhere. Draw your own conclusions.
*I have a male friend who lactates. I discovered this at my own wedding when he decided to amuse my guests by milking himself. I hardly liked milk when I thought it only came from cows and women. I like it even less now.
*If gummy bears ever came to life and could fart, I bet it would smell really good.
*Do you think that if I left pot-brownies for Santa, he’d put me on the naughty list?
*It looks like Dick Cheney’s daughter might be pregnant. You know the child was conceived out of wedlock. I guess Dick and his Christian buddies will have to take her hunting.
*They need to bring back the peanut doughnut.

THE TRIUMPHANT RETURN OF THE LIST
As I have said before, I know it's wrong to stereotype one group of people or another. However, I have no problem grouping people together based on a behavior that they all share. Furthermore, I have no problem calling these people out. These people and their behavior bother me so much that I cannot stay silent any longer. The following groups of people are now officially on The List (in no particular order):
1. People who feed pigeons—Everyday I see you people sitting in the park throwing handfuls of breadcrumbs and bird seed at the pigeons. Pigeons are just rats with wings. In fact, all the food you throw on the ground also attracts rats. Stop feeding them. When you feed them, you only encourage them to get comfortable, make some baby pigeons, settle down, and shit all over everything in sight. If you want to feed something that badly, get a dog. Or, come to my place, I’m hungry right now.
2. People who treat their pets like kids—It’s a dog, or a cat, it isn’t the fruit of your loins. While it’s great to have a pet, it isn’t a substitute for a child. Quit dressing up your pet in people clothes, chances are, it doesn’t like it. Also, don’t send me holiday cards that include pictures of your pet. I get it, you have a dog, you put fake antlers on it; Merry F’N Christmas to you too.
3. People who still fly the Confederate flag (or have a decal of it on their car or home)—News flash! The civil war is over. Long over. And guess what? You lost! The civil war was basically fought over the legality of slavery. Are you really saying that you wish you could still have slaves? Sadly, I think many of you are. Back to my original point…you lost. You don’t see me wearing a 1993 World Series shirt. Why? For the same reason I don’t wear a 1997 Stanley Cup Championship hat or a 2001 NBA Championship sweatshirt; because the Phillies lost. What’s next, you’re going to try to start spending that trunk load of confederate money that you found in your grand daddy’s attic?
4. People who bitch about cold weather but live in a city that they know will be cold—If you want it to be 70 degrees in January, you have a few options. You could move somewhere like California or Florida. I hear it’s warm there all year round. Or, you can go work for a major oil company and continue to trash the environment and within a few decades it’ll be hot everywhere. In the meantime, stop bitching. Of course it’s cold in Philadelphia or New York or Boston in the middle of the winter. What did you expect? Everyday I hear you people complaining about the cold weather and how much money you waste on heating your home. Don’t like it? Move.
5. Bartenders who make my drinks too strong—If I wanted a full glass of vodka, I would have asked you for a full glass of vodka. You’re not doing me any favors by making my drink too strong. Sure, it may work on that hot guy or chick at the bar that you’re trying to liquor up so you can take them home at the end of the night, but it’s lost on me. I want a drink that tastes good, not one that will get me hammered off four sips. There’s a word for that: shots. If I can’t even enjoy the first drink I ordered, do you really think I’m going to order more, let alone tip you well? If you think so, maybe you should lay off the sauce.
6. People who rely too much on movie reviews—Just because some guy I’ve never heard of, who writes for some publication I’ve never heard of, says a movie is bad, doesn’t make it fact. I’m sick of people turning down an invite to a movie because “it got really bad reviews”. I don’t even listen to people I know and respect when they tell me not to see a movie, why would I listen to some idiot who thinks he’s the messiah of movie quality assurance? Sometimes I want to go see a movie where shit just gets blown up. I don’t care if it wasn’t plot heavy or the acting wasn’t top-notch. I knew it wasn’t going to be top-notch the moment I saw it was starring Bruce Willis. That doesn’t mean I can’t still enjoy it. Stop letting other people decide what movies you are willing to see. Your ability to make your own decisions gets two thumbs down.
7. People who take Christmas too seriously—This past week a group of people made a big stink about Urban Outfitters decision to carry Christmas ornaments that look like handguns. So what? Now your Christmas is ruined? You don’t have to buy them. Even if they sold an ornament of Jesus in a manger having sex with a sheep, you still don’t need to make it a part of your Christmas décor. If some people want to have a little handgun on their tree, why shouldn’t they be able too? How does it affect you? A bet a lot of you idiots who would be upset by this (mostly in the confederate loving southern states) probably give your kids hunting rifles for Christmas by the time they are twelve. It’s called “picking your battles”, look into it.
8. People who constantly use Bluetooth devices—I understand that when you’re driving in your car you need your hands free to steer. But why must you constantly use the Bluetooth device at every waking moment. I can’t stand you people all strolling down the street, engaged in what appears to be a conversation with yourself. Often times if you’re walking towards me you’ll make eye contact, making it seem like you’re talking to me. When I get a little closer, I see the ear piece and realize what is going on. You wear them in bars, restaurants, stores, coffee shops, EVERYWHERE. The worst part is, you’re not even using your hands for something else. They just sit limp at your side. Quit being so damn lazy. Ring, ring. I think it’s for you, it’s ear cancer calling.
9. Men who don’t bald gracefully—There are a lot of you out there. The “I’m not going bald I just decided to shave my head all of a sudden” bald guy. You’re not fooling anyone. We can all still see where the stubble is growing back in and where it’s not. Your receding hairline is still there. Then there’s the “The hair on the left side of my head misses the hair on the right side so it’s going to grow nice and long and travel all the way across the barren waste land that is the crown of my head to go visit his friend” comb-over bald guy. You’re the worst. What’s next? You’re going to grow out your back hair and comb it over the back of your head? Finally there’s the “Look what I planted in my scalp” bald guy. Your hair plugs are simply ridiculous. Don’t get mad at me for staring at them. What do you expect? It’s like a train wreck on your head. You’re like a woman who gets fake tits and wears a low cut shirt and then gets offended when men gawk at them. Do us all a favor and cut it out, literally.

DEAR SANTA
I have been a very good boy this year (I’m sure some of you would disagree but what do you know). Seeing as how I haven’t asked you for much since I was a kid, I thought this year I’d request for a few things. They aren’t in any real order. Just choose ten or more and I’ll be very happy. Here is what I want for Christmas this year:

*I want George Bush to get impeached.

*I want to hunt Dick Cheney.
*I want a new PS2. I don’t need the PS3 like everyone else. I just want a new PS2 to replace the one I had that broke for no reason.
*I want my father-in-law’s death to be a dream I am about to wake up from.
*I want diabetes cured.
*I want an end to gay marriage bans. It’s idiotic to be afraid of love.
*I want Pizza Hut pizza to be good for me. The more I eat, the better.
*I want marijuana legalized (it’s not for me, really).
*I want the Eagles to win the Superbowl.
*I want to own my own home.
*I want Penang (the really good Thai place in Chinatown) to start delivering.
*I want all of my friends to move back to Philadelphia.
*I want my feet to stop hurting all the time.
*I want to see the world.
*I want my wife to realize that she’s as beautiful as I know she is.
*I want to spend more time with my brother.
*I want to be the champion of my fantasy football league.
*I want a trophy for making the world’s best grilled cheese.
*I want employers to realize I don’t need a college degree to be a great writer.
*I want my brother-in-laws to come for a visit.
*I want my mother-in-law’s broken heart to mend.
*I want the work on my mom’s house to finally be completed.
*I want my dad to move to Canada with us when we go.
*I want lots of sour patch kids.
*I want to lose ten more pounds.
*I want to be tan.
*I want own my own miniature golf course.
*I want my brother and I to write our screenplay.
*I want to end poverty, sickness, and violence.
*I want a free pass to punch everyone I dislike in the face before I end violence.
*I want to be rich.

*I want to see my Pop-pop again.
*I want a new coffee maker.

*I want people to buy cool things from www.mycmsite.com/juliajmiller
*I want everyone to share this blog with ten people today.

Thanks Santa. I hope I haven’t asked for too much this year. Please make sure to enjoy the brownies I left you.

BLOW OUT THE CANDLES, AND MAKE A WISH, THE PARTY IS OVER
I hope you all enjoyed this first anniversary edition of the Spoon, Full of Truth. I tried not to rant about politics today but rather expose you to what was going on in this crazy head of mine. I know there will be a lot of great truth to expose in the coming year and I look forward to us all exploring it together. Thank you all for making a little part of my dream come true. Happy Holidays! See you all next week for another edition of your favorite blog, the Spoon, Full of Truth.